The Unexpected Pause

Selah. This mysterious word I'm focusing on in 2016 (which is already zipping by, um, hello May?). I chose this word because I was desperate for calm and solid ground to stand on. Taking the intentional time and effort to breath slowly and pay attention to all moments. A pause woven throughout my days bringing sweet relief and comfort to the hectic pace and uneven footing 2015 seemed to be. 

I even, unintentionally, created an expectation in my mind. I chose my own definition of selah. Picture a woman in a sparkling clean kitchen in the perfect warm morning light slowly making a cup of tea. The teacup's contents steaming, finished with a fresh squeeze of lemon. She holds the cup with both hands, breathes in the soothing aroma and quietly takes a sip. This moment. This moment would be all my moments. 

That picture however reads like a commercial...and like commercials they insist that if you just buy this, do that, consume this then you will feel just as like the woman in her kitchen. And I think we can agree that is really not the case. 

Those sweet moments are possible, but they are the exceptions. And when the expectation is to live in the exception it can be terribly frustrating when mornings unfold more like a chaotic panic with Flight of the Bumblebee as its theme song. 

As with every single other word I've chosen these past few years, God takes my offering of a word and gently, but firmly, begins to unravel His definition. 

Pause. 

Selah has looked, more often, like the only option because all of the other things I try so desperately to control are very much out of my control and the only thing to do is wait. To stop. To reflect and listen. To sit fidgeting, grumbling, that I've paused and I'm very much ready to do, to fix, to control. 

And the answer continues to be - not yet. 

Learning to be in that uncomfortable space of unknowns and anxiety. Learning to actively pause - if that can be such a thing - engage with the pause instead of pounding on the locked door screaming that you want out. Instead, to sit in the silence and observe. To allow those pauses to teach me and strengthen me. Each time they arrive (which has been a lot lately) they don't seem to be any less scary, but I think this is a much bigger exercise in trusting. Pausing when every nerve and fiber is screaming to do the opposite. 

As I start to untangle and re-make my own definition of selah, I wonder about my desire for that peaceful kitchen moment to be all moments. But if that was all moments it would be stripped of its beauty, and power, to impart such peace and rest. Because what would you be resting from? How would you even recognize that moment without knowing moments of having to trust in the uncomfortable pause?

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known by God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

--Philippians 4:4-7 (emphasis mine)

I believe a peace that "surpasses all understanding" must be a peace that arrives in the midst of the chaos, for peace in a perfect & calm moment is not hard to understand. Selah, to me, is finding how to allow that seemingly impossible peace in, which means allowing yourself to feel all things that come with those hard moments. Ultimately trusting God to be God.

"A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my spirit within you..." 

--Ezekiel 36:26-27

A heart of flesh? A heart of stone sounds safer, stronger, less vulnerable. 

This song wandered in, unexpected, but so pertinent as I sat exhausted in one such pause. Walls create the illusion of control. There is no such thing. Walls just suffocate the very thing you were trying to protect. 

Hello my old heart

It's been so long

Since I've given you away

And every day I add another stone

To the walls I built around you

To keep you safe

Hello my old heart

How have you been?

How is it, being locked away?

Well don't you worry

In there, you're safe

And it's true, you'll never beat

But you'll never break

Nothing lasts forever

Some things aren't meant to be

But you'll never find the answer

Until you set your old heart free

--Oh Hellos, Hello My Old Heart

  

In Between

July is easily one of my most favorite months. It includes my favorite holiday, our anniversary, it's usually deliciously HOT and sticky,  and without argument the middle of summer. You don't have to think about fall or transitions. That's what August is for. July is all-in.

As I reflected on the wild waves the first half of 2015 offered, I found this July to be about the in between. An eye of the hurricane? Perhaps. Bobbing in the rolling ocean before the next swell threatens to sink? Maybe that too.

We spent the beginning of July soaking in family and celebrations. My heart swelled and rested there.  Vacation is a magical space that we do not take advantage of enough.

However, the journey home mirrored how I feel life looks like right now. Too close for comfort timing, racing through airports bags flopping awkwardly behind, begging and pleading, losing hope and watching miracles unfold and literally being the last two to make it on after doors already closed. And always surrounded in the kindness of others.

We returned and the next morning signed papers. Our home no longer officially ours. The relief and sorrow and excitement and grief all came barreling in.

We wrapped up and packed the rest of our fingerprints from that space. It was checking off to-do lists. And the incredible help from Kurt and Jack got us through because moving day was a hot mess. Literally, a hot paving project outside the door mess. Moving, I don't think, is enjoyable for anyone but I seem to have a special VIP backstage pass into Are You Kidding Me? kind of moves. But we all survived. Even Nox who took it upon herself to christen the new place with lots of vomit.

And when I was completely unraveling and pleading with Nick and the dining room table that it MUST fit in the spare bedroom {don't ask} I realized how lucky I am to have him beside me on this trek into the unknown. He maneuvered the heavy table past reason and then talked me off the ledge and ultimately solved the feng shui problem that I was about to lose my mind about. Bless him. {He also cleaned up lots and lots of cat vomit while I stood there and cried}

In all the craziness I ended up back at the house by myself to collect the cats and perishables from the fridge. Closing the door behind me without a key gripped my body so tightly in grief that I almost couldn't do it. It was all wrong - I envisioned more time, more something so saying good-bye wouldn't feel so...hard. But the door closed and I didn't have any other choice but to move forward.

Good-bye 5417. 

July so clearly introduced me to holding the tension. I was overwhelmed with peace and joy, fear and heart-wrenching unrest -- all at the same time. I can't explain it, but one of the most important lessons I began to learn is to let them come. All of them. Don't try to explain how I feel joy and unrest so distinctly at the same time. Just let them in and move through. This in between-ness is exhausting.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day." ~Rainer Rilke

Waiting. Waiting for what? When will we know? Good luck to anything that crosses my path because I grasp it wild-eyed and hold it up close: "Are YOU it? Are you what's next?!"

"There's only one thing worse than a no - it's an unknown. It's this hanging in the balance that can make you lost your equilibrium...waiting can feel like an insane asylum of it's own...In the dark, in the middle of the night, it gets very clear: he who is hurried by worry, delays the comfort of God. You can want someone to reach over and touch your unspoken broken, your thin bruised places and smooth out the pain you can't hardly speak of: Pain begs us to believe that only action can end our ache - which actually only God can...And the making on one's whole life takes time. Goals take longer than you think; the ways of God take longer than you want. It takes time, a lifetime, to turn the ache of our longings toward Him." --Ann Voskamp

This season is no less painful and no less blessed. It's harder than not, but the bright spots shine that much more when in the middle. And the important thing - there's movement. Slow and wayward? Perhaps. But still moving.

"I don't know where you are these days, what's broken down and what's beautiful in your life this season. I don't know if this is a season of sweetness or one of sadness. But I'm learning that neither last forever. There will, I'm sure, be something that invades this current loveliness. That's how life is. It won't be sweet forever. But it won't be bitter forever either. If everywhere you look these days, it's wintery, desolate, lonely, practice believing in springtime. It always, always comes even though on days like today it's nearly impossible to imagine, ground frozen, trees bare and spiky. New life will spring from this same ground. This season will end, and something entirely new will follow it." --Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet 

"Babe, there's something tragic about you

Something so magic about you

Don't you agree?

Babe, there's something lonesome about you

Something so wholesome about you..."

~Hozier, From Eden 

What I Know...

...I was shaking scared on Thursday afternoon.
Sitting in lockdown listening to the constant wail of sirens.
And the first Twitter post I found that oriented why our Thursday was interrupted:

And a few minutes later the second SPU ALERT email confirmation that none of us could believe:

We sat on the floor. In the dark. And we prayed. And waited.

And from the hours that have unfolded from those scary, heart-breaking, tragic moments - here's what I know...

...Going back to campus on Friday to be with students and the community was, almost, indescribable. I didn't know what to expect. My own nerves bubbled about returning to work, but once there it became so clear that our God reigns in the midst of chaos {gathered from Instragram #prayforSPU}:

...We gathered as a community and lamented

"Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkness in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away."

...And I am filled with God's word to us. One that I chose to focus on in January never dreaming of the depth it would sink in and surround me.

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

And I know that we are surrounded by an incredible community...

The Queen Anne community residents brought their dogs down to campus for students to play with. 

...In the middle of everything God is still calling our hearts to forgiveness and remembering.

If you feel compelled to help you can give here.

Or hold those close to you a bit tighter and send love into your community:

I know that we all agree that human flourishing is a good thing to strive for. In that light, I wish the very best to you and your loved ones and encourage you to pick one person today to shower your love on. Your love is the embodiment of good, it is the healing agent, it is the antidote to fear and suffering. It is the only transformative force in the universe. Not as an emotional “high” but as a stance toward being that unifies heart and mind. --Stamatis Vokos, SPU Physics Professor, full post here.

Or send up a prayer, a letter? a post? for the hurting family that is now walking a strange path as their son faces the reality of what he has done. The hurt he has inflicted. I imagine it looks like a dark, narrow and lonely path for all of them. What if we extended God's love into those dark places too? 

O God, we pray for the one who 

perpertrated this midless act of violence.

Deal with his troubled soul,

love him in spite of his hatred,

and bring him not only to justice

but to repentance and spiritual wholeness.

~part of the liturgy read at SPU's prayer vigil

And thank you. Your thoughts, texts, emails, prayers, phone calls have meant so much. 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

Hello, Goodbye

Oh hello blog I've abandoned for months... things have been busy and full and beyond my motivation point to write. But here I am, in true traditional fashion, with a year in review! 

1. What did you do in 2012 that you had never done before?

Ran a Half Marathon!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Last year's: Journal every day of 2012... it's only the 29th of December, but this New Year's resolution is soon to be kept! 365 Days of journaling, 2 1/2 journals later - check! Next Year's Goals: To record 1,000 things I am thankful for...motivation from reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. And to help with finding the blessings all around me, I am going to attempt to take a picture every day and post my findings, hopefully, once a week.   

3. Did anyone close to you die?

2012 has been a year of senseless death. Lifting up those who lost their lives in the many mass shootings this year, especially thinking of the Aurora, CO theater shooting and Newtown CT. May God bring comfort to our shaken souls. 

4. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My dear friend, Laura, gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy, welcome Parker! 

5. What countries did you visit?

Stayed put in the USofA. (Adding to the list of New Year's Resolutions... update my passport!!)

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

The password to our wi-fi...

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 7, 2012 -- did something I never thought possible - ran 13.1 miles!  

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Crocheting with patterns! A scarf and baby blanket are my fruits of that labor! Also, helping start The Authenticity Project...being stretched in SO many new ways. 

9. What was your biggest failure?

My selfishness 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thank goodness!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My black boots, I love them. I wear them all the time. Did I mention I love boots? 
And, though it was a Christmas present (pre-picked out), I'm pretty excited about my iPad.  

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

 Anyone whose compassion lead to action. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Kanye, seriously, needs to get a grip. Or at least stop talking. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Traveling and weddings...I was the matron of honor for Megan, and Nick officiated Sarah & Andrew's union, and we witnessed & celebrated Annie & Dustin, Kellie and Nathan, Therese & Garrett and Melissa & James!! Plus about 8 trips to CO and back will just about do it! 

15. What did you get really really excited about?

Celebrating the fabulous people mentioned in #14, and our 1 Year Anniversary trip to Bainbridge Island.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Hurts Like Heaven - Coldplay

17. Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?

I estimate about the same...content. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Not been so reclusive... and of course, exercised.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Tortured myself at the dermatologist by freezing my finger... but alas, it had to be done. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Up in Kingston, streamed live the Christmas Eve service, opened presents via Skype with Jack & Janae and skyped with my parents. Lots of food and drinks, bond fires and games - Christmas with the Andersons. 

21. How will you be spending New Years?

In Kingston with the Andersons!

22. What was your favorite TV programs?

Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Battlestar Galactica.

23. What was the best book you read?

Must say, besides all the controversy and hype, I did enjoy the Fifty Shades series, also Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I finished the One Year Bible (which actually took about 3...), and One Thousand Gifts stick out in my mind. 

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Mumford and Sons, and Coldplay in Concert is like NOTHING else. Amazing. And, also enjoyed the 12/12/12 Benefit Concert watched live from NY. 

25. What did you want and got?

An iPad, yahoo!  

26. What was your favorite film this year?

Hunger Games was excellent, and I enjoyed The Avengers, though the novelty of going to "see" a movie has kind of worn off... on the Netflix front The Way and The Boy with the Striped Pajamas were excellent. 

27. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Twenty-five! A whole quarter of a century. Went to Portage Bay for breakfast (a monte cristo, yum!), then games and my birthday coffee at Starbucks followed by mini golf with Brie & Nick, a quick drink at Maggie Bluffs followed by streaming the Broncos game live! And Kurt & Lisa spoiled me with dinner at The Crab Pot and ride on the brand new Seattle Ferris Wheel! Blessed, to say the least. 

28. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Weather over 60 degrees in the summer... it was a bit depressing. And less air conditioning. Always less air conditioning! And less of Colorado Springs being ravaged by the Waldo Canyon Fire...

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Sweaters and boots. Skirts and boots. Jeans and boots. I love them. 

30. What kept you sane?

Prayer. Bubble baths. Tea and dear friends from near and far. (From year to year, this doesn't change! Still the best soothers there are.)

31. What did you get that you didn't deserve?

Everything I've received is a blessing and undeserved, that's the absolute beauty of it all.

32. Who did you miss?

Family. Jack & Janae, mom and dad. And Tinker, my childhood pal and sweet kitty, left this June after 19+ years of being a best friend.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Met some new wonderful people through Community Groups at church, nice to finally see familiar faces.  

34. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012?

Authenticity is hard. Showing up is hard. But it leads to growth.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life.
awake my soul...
awake my soul...
awake my soul...
For you were made to meet your maker"

--Mumford and Sons, Awake My Soul

Oh What A Year!

Well...last year I got this up January 4th...
I'm 12 days late this year, but alas, it's my tradition!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you had never done before?

• I became Mrs. Anderson, visited DisneyWorld and finally saw a midnight showing of Harry Potter! 

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

• Last years: 1. "Get a good and sturdy exercise routine" -- done and DONE! Between circuit training and training for the half marathon I'm feel great! 2. To Cook! Well...I've cooked more than I have in the past...a few disasters, a few great successes and a long way to go... 3. Daily devotions...well, not perfect by any means, but have kept up with my small group! 4. Learn to be content in all situations...still a work in progress
• I have a date with some tea, my bible and journal to set some goals for this year...stay tuned. 

3. Did anyone close to you die?

• Grandma Anderson and Grandpa Feigal -- we'll miss you!

4. Did anyone close to you give birth?

• I've been keeping up with a friend from high school and she welcomed a healthy baby boy! However, it seems like everyone I know is expecting so 2012 will be full!!

5. What countries did you visit?

• Bahamas!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

• Patience and a heart of service

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory?

• July 16, 2011, the day I said I Do! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

• Planning a wedding and completing a huge project at work ahead of schedule!

9. What was your biggest failure?

• My selfishness 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• No, thank goodness!!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• We bought a lot for the wedding...but I have to say I'm pretty pleased with my Christmas gifts this year. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

• My new in-laws and family welcomed me with such warmth and excitement. It's a blessing to be a part of such a fun family. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

• Not really impressed with the Kim Kardashian wedding fiasco...

14. Where did most of your money go?

• Wedding!! And traveling...that has been a busy traveling year. Many trip to CO, down to FL, then AL for Thanksgiving and back to CO for Christmas!

15. What did you get really really excited about?

• All the wedding festivities and being able to spend some quality time with my amazing girls. And the Disney cruise!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

• When You Say You Love Me --Josh Groban

17. Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?

• I estimate about the same...I'm pretty happy.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

• Stretched myself...and thought about others a bit more. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

• Spent time at airports...had quite a few long travel days!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

• First Christmas together spent going to church and enjoying some time with my parents. 

21. How will you be spending New Years?

• We spent New Years with some good friends -- a game of Farkle, good drinks and snacks and a warm bed to crash in! 

22. What was your favorite TV programs?

• Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy

23. What was the best book you read?

• I've read a lot, actually. Enjoyed the Frank Peretti series, The Power of One, Hunger Games, The Lincoln Lawyer. Currently enjoying The Secret Life of Bees. Oh how I love books!!

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

• Well, my favorite song from this year is Dynamite by Taio Cruz

25. What did you want and got?

• A fun, fabulous wedding surrounded by friends and family! 

26. What was your favorite film this year?

• I have a few: HP and the Deathly Hallows Part II, Tangled and Winnie the Pooh! (I'm such a nerd...)

27. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

• Twenty-four and my office celebrated with a delicious meal at Maggie Bluff's then had a few friends over for dessert and games! 

28. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• Hmmm, I can't think of anything! 

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

• Professional...comfy and big sweaters with leg warmers, I'm all about the cozy. And a bit more eco-conscious, I added some recycled plastic tees and bamboo shirts! 

30. What kept you sane?

• Prayer. Bubble baths. Tea and dear friends from near and far. 

31. What did you get that you didn't deserve?

• Everything I've received is a blessing and underserved, that's the absolute beauty of it all.

32. Who did you miss?

• Friends -- it's a sign of growing up, we're each doing our own thing. Making our own way; that we don't have the luxury of a couple weeks during the summer and winter to just hang out!

33. Who was the best new person you met?

• The Anderson extended family!

34. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011?

• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. --Philippians 4:6

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you"
--Blake Shelton