A Deep Breath

I am taking a deep breath.
The silence around here. I've been holding my breath trying to push through.
My word for 2014, Be Still, echoing around because God knew I'd need to be pummeled over the head with that reminder, daily.
Good days and chaotic panicked days too.

As July showed its sunny warm face I realized it has been a wild year.

Living in Kingston. Being stretched in so many ways. Learning a lot about myself: the good, the bad, the ugly. The weaknesses glaringly obvious and in other ways strength, quietly surprising. Learning about "island" living and realizing how much I've grown to love the city. Learning to count beauty in all circumstances because otherwise you'll be swept out to sea while fixating on details and not the big picture. Growth is always a bit painful, no? God working - molding and kneading tough clay. I'm stubborn, but the Holy Spirit doesn't let go. So grateful for the gift it was to live there and work toward some big goals. All possible because of other's generosity.

Buying our home. Oh have mercy - crash-course in real estate jargon and property value and neighborhood ratings and it really just made me want to cry most of the time. While always incredibly amazed and thankful that it was even possible. And just when things looked impossible our home basically fell in our lap. When just about everything that could be delayed and go wrong, did. We pulled through. The stress of that crazy process was intense. But sitting in my living room writing this nearly brings tears to my eyes. Not to mention needing to buy a new car the day we got keys to our first home. I don't think it could have happened any other way - and I didn't realize the stress the old car was causing until I drove in the new one and realized my stomach didn't hurt because I wasn't hoping to make it to the next green light without the car falling apart. But these big grown-up purchases do a number on your sanity.

New position at work. Another crash course in finding out exactly what I'm made of. Learning trial by fire. Long, incredibly full and busy days as extra pieces needed picking up during a short-staffed summer. More trial by fire. Growth. Challenge. More stretching. I love working hard, I love my new commute - making more commuting buddies. Managed to do a Bible Study with the Finance ladies - more encouragement from Beth Moore. Learning hindsight is always 20-20 and new processes are needed. I come home exhausted. Sometimes frustrated. Mostly just tired. Still love learning new things, just seems like it's always the hard way at the moment. Incredibly thankful for this new opportunity and the support I've received. Ready for a less busy season where I just tackle the tasks on my new position. But then again, I am a bit afraid I'll be totally bored... :)

Early June. The tragedy on campus rocked our world and threw my emotions and body into chaos. The stress I'd been operating on finally snapped. Within the week of the campus shooting our family suddenly lost a cherished member. My grief got swept up in survival-mode and pushing through. It felt like I was the captain of three ships without crews all taking on water and I had a bucket trying to bail them all out simultaneously. My will pushed forward, but my body stepped on the brakes and crashed. Eight weeks I battled being sick. Eight weeks is a long time. Battery of tests, x-rays, doctor appointments - and the final answer? Purely a stress response. After a year and some extreme events my body told me I needed to take a break. NOW. I half listened... Still processing everything that's happened. Still learning the necessity of the habit of prayer. SO much to pray for right now. Chaotic, heart-breaking world events next to heart-break within our family. Fear and sickness raging on another continent and right here in our family as my uncle, living in Liberia, underwent emergency surgery to fix a hernia as Ebola threatens the country he loves and serves. Thankful for God's provision of medical care when all of the hospitals are shut down. This world can make you weary and I've forgotten to pray and count gifts. To actively search for beauty and lift up & help the suffering. Working on getting that back.  

These ramblings, I suppose, are my attempt to process and debrief what my body told me I can't sweep under the rug anymore. I'm regaining center. Resting. Trying to be still.