A Fiery Week

My mom and dad were released to go home today. Ten days after being evacuated. 

Ten days seems like such a short period of time...until you live every moment waiting for news, watching pictures flash of the destruction, know the fire is ravaging your home...the streets...the neighborhoods...community that built me. Then ten days feels like a lifetime. 

So many mixed emotions. 

Relief and gratitude that they have a home to go back to. 

Deep sorrow and anger and sadness and heartbreak for so many other families that can't go home. Because their home does not stand. Families that I grew up with, incredible friends that we faced middle school and high school with. We have been in each other's weddings. I look forward lost - how do I walk alongside them in this grief? This struggle? How do I face my own questions of why was our house spared? It's not like  the fire didn't reach us...yet we survived. Why couldn't the other homes survive too? 

God is big enough for those questions. 

I just don't know the answer, and probably never will.

Fire came to the edge of the lawn, melted paint off the back of the bench.

Thank you to all of the first responders and those helping with clean-up.

 I want to share the following story that I've finally put into words and that has unfolded over these past ten days: 

 This has been such a roller-coaster for me and my family, and we are just one family among the hundreds and hundreds that are affected by this fire. But I have to share how incredibly close God has stayed throughout every moment, uncertainty, hope, joy and sorrow on this journey that we are just starting as we learn how to heal.
I am so blessed to work where I do and with an incredible woman with such a heart for God - she served as a missionary in Thailand and is working in our department until she can get back to serve again. She has a strong faith and has been such a support as I've been on this roller-coaster watching the destruction and knowing the difficult displacement of my family and friends. I was able to tell her this past Monday morning (June 17) the miracle of our home being saved and show her the picture. She smiled and hugged me and pulled me aside saying she wanted to confide something – she told me that on Mondays she can sometimes meet with a few others in the School of Education (professors, grad assistants etc) and pray. She said that last Monday (June 10) - a day before the fire even started in Black Forest, she was sitting around the table with the others and they opened prayer as normal where they ask God to speak and use pictures as a way to show what they should be praying for - what word God had for them. She said she got a distinct picture of a waterfall - but the waterfall was funneling down like it was going through the neck of a bottle and then fanning back out again creating an hourglass shape, then she got a second image of just a waterfall seen from the side. She said usually she equates water with life and was wondering if it meant God's life and love were 'overflowing' for her so she continued to prayer for meaning and God clearly gave her the phrase "It will not be consumed." She thought that was a bit odd as generally you want to be 'consumed' by God's love or Holy Spirit which is what she usually associated with a waterfall. When the group prayed together again she shared what she had seen and another person chimed in that they had seen a waterfall too. Joyce continue to pray even though she said that the image and phrase God has given her was confusing and unclear.By last Wednesday (June 12) things were clear that we were in the middle of the firestorm and there wasn't a lot of hope that our home would survive and I had already heard report of two of my closest girlfriends who had lost their homes. I shared with my office what was going on and Joyce said it became so clear that that prayer was for me and she claimed it for me and our home and just felt so deeply assured that our home would be saved. Then the map came out and I showed her how there was a miraculous 'halo' around our home and our neighbors when our street has been ravaged and so many homes just hundreds of feet from us burned to the foundation. And then that picture came Friday morning that our house was standing and the fire came within feet and there's just no other explanation of why it is standing or why there were firefighters in that exact spot at that moment to save our home (if that is what happened - we don't know) when it was too late for the others. And more confirmation on Tuesday June 18 as mom and dad walked around the property and 'we' (I was there via FaceTime) saw that it was within inches and yet our home, my mom’s car, our picnic table all survived!

The picture sent to us on Friday. 

 I shared with her how our pastor preached on Sunday and said that so often we won't publicly pray for specific things because we are worried that that thing won't come to fruition and that God's reputation can't handle that. Or the other side of the coin is that we are too scared for disappointment or what God's answer could be that we just won't pray for that specific thing. I felt that so deeply because when I'd learned of so many I grew up with totally losing their homes I didn't know how to pray for mine to be saved because I just felt paralyzed and so full of sorrow for others. But Joyce has so poignantly shown me the power of prayer, of drawing near to God.  I then saw this post on Tuesday (June 18) on the my church's facebook page from our church secretary who was able to get into the building since the fire began – this is copy and pasted from the site:

"I want to share a thought and scripture with the church today, when I came in to do a little work at the church, I walked in Log Building and saw a scripture I had copied standing folded upright in the middle of my desk that I had copied before we even knew the fires were coming our way. I forgot I did this and it made me cry:
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2
There are many people in the forest without homes, but you are not without a God. He loves you, just as that fireman picked up that little fawn stuck in the fence and carried him in his arms to safety, so our God will carry you through this time. You are alive Black Forest and our God is an awesome God! Let him carry you through this path.
Let him heal your tears and tell him of your brokenness, He was to hear your cry and wipe away your tears. We thank our Lord for saving our churches in Black Forest. He is awesome."

Sheds and storage around property were consumed. 

What's left of my childhood "play house" that dad built for me.

I cried so hard when I read Isaiah 43:2. God had a word for us. The same word he had given my co-worker that previous Monday. We don’t know why. We don’t know why us and not others. But I know my faith has been incredibly strengthened through this. And not because our house is standing – for I know God would be just as close had we returned to rubble. I don't want that to sound shallow because I understand that it could be easy for me to say that because my home is standing, but I know there was a point throughout that week that I had lost hope, that I truly, 100% believed that we didn't have a home and I have never felt closer to God than in that moment. When tears flowed and I was angry. And now I am so struck by the way God has communicated to me, to our family throughout this. I also want to be careful when sharing this as I don't believe God saved our home because we prayed - that would imply that God ignored others or that no one else prayed and I know that not to be true. God is a God of LOVE and not punishment. God cares deeply and is weeping tears of joy with families like ours and tears of deep sorrow with those who have lost it all. We reside on earth and on this earth the natural force of fire and our possession and life and forest is susceptible to fire. I don't ever believe that God sent a fire. I don't know God's purpose for each family or why our home was spared when so many others were lost. I told Joyce I feel so confused - relieved, confused, sad, even a bit guilty and I feel that I must ask why God spared us - what we should do and she said: draw near to God, He does not expect a “favor” in return – that is not in God’s character. He can handle my "Why?!" questions, quiet my heart and just help us take this day by day as He will with help each and every family taking it day by day that have lost everything and those that have been spared. 

A chilling view just a mile down the road. 

I am so deeply grateful to all of you. Your thoughts, concerns, care. God has brought us so much comfort through you. And if we learn anything – pray without ceasing! Our small community and so many others that have faced tragedy and natural disaster need our prayer. And I am forever grateful to Sheriff Maketa, Rich Harvey, all of the fireman and first responders, they are incredible!