Monday musings

I've seen many people walking around campus barefoot...I know the sun is out but I just don't see the appeal. Maybe it's part of a project or social statement. Or, maybe they're on to something as I put band aids on the blisters my shoes gave me this morning.
I also saw a guy in bright pink pants, a shaved head except for a tuft of hair at the crown and wearing clear high heels. With a sign around his neck that said "I lost a bet....or three" Tough luck.

After being away from my bed for 14 nights I have realized a lot. That I am much more flexible than I give myself credit. Or perhaps I'm learning to go with the flow more. I was still stressed but not like I thought I would be. I do loathe living out of a scattered suitcase and I can never remember to bring everything - but, all in all change isn't as scary as I first thought.

This past week I've read a lot of things that hit home:
"...As Christians, however, we understand our brokenness and become strong in a particular way...His [Jesus] story is not just one we can hear, but a story in which we are invited to share. So the world may break everyone, but that is not the last word. The Christian holds, not that things always turn out for the best, for they seldom do, but that through it all God loves us, upholds us, receives us. That is because our God is the kind of God who insists on having the last word. To be sure, the second to last word, which may be very powerful, can be given to something else--suffering, despair, hopelessness, evil, death itself. But our God insists on having the very last word, and that is always a helpful word, a healing word, a word of peace, of hopefulness, and of life. That is what it means to participate in the death and resurrection of Jesus. It is about God taking the raw stuff of defeat and forging an ultimate victory. It is about becoming strong in the broken places." --Martin B. Copenhaver

"Lent is a good time to be intentional about taking something out of our schedules to rest and meditate on God, love, life and to pray. The things we give up during Lent are not meant to be punishments, but commas that gives us time for a refreshing cool drink at God's spring because... 'even a monkey gets tired.'" --Ron Buford

"I am a little world made cunningly
Of elements, and an angelic sprite"
--From Sonnet 5 by John Donne

So starts another week. Which is scary in itself because I have exactly 2 weeks left before finals. TWO weeks to do a ridiculous amount of stuff.

"Get your head in the game"

Sometimes it's hard to focus.

I am having one of those days. Weeks?

I am thinking about nonesense daydreams instead of what I need to be.

In Beginning Lit. we talked about the Pastoral Myth which was the ideal country life - everything beautiful, everyone's in love and no one does anything. We discussed that we need that daydream in order to trudge through life. We are able to bring some of that Pastoral image to our daily lives. I just haven't figured out how to get my daydreams into reality yet.

It's especially hard when reality is nothing but uncertain, frustrating, difficult and tiring. Who wants to be stuck in that mudhole? I don't. I want to kick it in 4WD and drive...

where to?

I don't know. Somewhere that is not this claustrophobic apartment. Somewhere away from essays, reading, exams. Somewhere like this weekend.

This weekend was pretty close to my Pastoral daydream.

Leaving was actually kind of painful. Because it meant facing all the things I don't want to again.

This weekend I put everything on hold. (Probably not a good thing...but it was wonderful all the same).

This was a handy reminder:

"Fear God, and everything will be perfect. Love God, and nothing bad will ever happen to you. Simple! Except, of course, that every one of us knows it doesn't work that way, that good people and bad things happen to each other. The Psalm is gorgeous (Psalm 121), but the theology seems simplistic, too easy, too naive.
I mean, look what happened to Jesus! He surely feared the Lord, surely walked in all God's ways. And they crucified him! So much for "it shall go well with you."
Then again, even while he was on the cross, he did keep praying to God. Even when the worst of things happened to the best of people, he did keep his faith in God. And in the end, Jesus was resurrected. So maybe the Psalm isn't as much about direct cause-and-effect relationships as it is about hope. Maybe it's not so much a prediction of exactly how things go as it is a description of how life with God feels. Maybe it's not about being a realist but about refusing to lose hope in a hopeless situation. Maybe being a Christian is about believing that life with God will be good in the end, even if life now isn't. I mean, look what happened to Jesus!
Prayer: God, grant me wisdom enough to praise you even when it doesn't make sense, strength enough to follow you down every path, and joy enough to sing your praises even in adversity. Amen." --by, Quinn G. Caldwell i.ucc daily devotional for Lent

sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

The sun comes out around here and everyone goes crazy.Just because the sun is out - does not mean the temperature rose. It was probably in the 30's (I could see my breath...I don't know how cold that is) and everyone kept remarking what a nice day it was. Which cracked me up...nice day?...or it's pretty out? At lunch time people were sitting outside bundled on the benches reading and eating lunches nearly shivering but by golly they were taking advantage of that sunshine. It just reminded me of how drawn people were to Jesus...he was a Light. They craved him, waited for him, wanted to feel his warmth. This time of waiting. This time of gray clouds and rain - a glimpse of hope and resurrection today. The sun stayed out to play all day long. It's enough to revive one and ready to face another batch of cloudy days.

I decided that I hate cars.
I've also decided that I hate our dependence on cars.
Why do they always break? Why is there always something wrong with them? Why do they cost so much? (My cars fine...but I'm just saying. They are annoying none-the-less).

I'm exhausted and have an extremely long day tomorrow that I'm already dreading. I'm just tired already and it hasn't even started. Thursdays are usually my favorite but i can't wait for this one to be over. Which makes me sad because it's Valentines Day and I <3 V.Day
Blah. To be a little kid again.
Life is so complicated. I want to be uncomplicated. Un-busy.
I want to major in relaxation and get paid to nap and do all of my favorite things.

tempis fugit

Time.
All I know is there isn't enough of it.

My mind is swimming with all I have to do. My to do lists are piling up.

I'm still having so much trouble scheduling "God time" as everyone around here calls it. Which, shows there is a problem if people have to schedule God into their schedule. So God can only enter in between 2:30-3:30pm?

Our perspectives need to switch. My perspective needs to switch.

This isn't my time, this is God's time that he has given me.

Now this struggle of what I do with it...how I incorporat God into all of it...how?

On a friends blog a few days ago she wrote how she thought Lent was this time of mourning and waiting and wandering and how she didn't buy into it. How could a liturgical calendar determine the mood and season of our lives? But as she looked around, and supported those close to her who were hurting, going through crises, or simple having a rough time it became apparent that this is a time that is deeper than a mark on the calendar. This is a real season that is needed in our lives. I, too, am learning how legitimate his call for us is. Especially during Lent. My mom called this morning to inform me that she had broken her arm. Multiple prayer requests show the hurting, disheartening news regarding friends health and well-being.

I found this today and really liked it: “In the end we will conserve only what we love. We love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught.”
—Baba Dioum, Senegalese ecologist

When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, "I will confess

my transgressions to the LORD "—

and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,

but the LORD's unfailing love

surrounds the man who trusts in him.

Psalm 32: 3,5,10

Shhh, the world is so loud.

Today I am reminded of prayer. When I don't fill my heart and idle thoughts with prayer I am far from God. My thoughts are far from where they should be. This picture represents the deep quietness I am thirsting to find when I can just pray. When I can just be wrapped up by God.

Thanks to my model and roommate, Brie. :)

My coat arrived today. It's different than I thought it would be but I really like it. It has a soft fur lining and when I wear I feel like an eskimo ready for an adventure or a character in The Golden Compass. It's warm and soft and I'm actually excited for cold days I can bundle up for.

I cleaned today. De-cluttering my life. It's just easier to breathe when I can clear out all the untidyness that seeps in. I can barely think as it is. It's the middle of the quarter and I'm stuck in some sort of apathetic limbo. I don't feel motivation. I need motivation. But I've somehow misplaced that and instead picked up denial.

As I struggle in this wilderness and fight to keep the time consuming clutter I found words of wisdom from When True Simplicity is Gained by Martin and Micah Marty. "...or frowning at the reality of a troubling saint next door. Precisely in the midst of our labors, we come to recognize that the temple of prayer is always available. It remains as close as our heart, waiting for us to enter and be refreshed."

O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me.
Hear my voice when I call to you.

May my prayer be set before you like incense;

may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.

--Psalm 141:1-2

Days go "bye"

Saturday and Sunday melted away before I even could say their names.

Saturday I went on Latrea with Senate to The Nature Consortium. I dug up blackberry bushes in the mud and passed buckets of wet mulch for five hours. Quite exhilerating. At least it was a nice day. And I built muscle - because my muscles hurt today - I can't really move.

The basketball game was exciting though we weren't quite able to pull through. I found out that SU will be out of our division next year. That makes me sad - who will be our "bitter rivals"? With an invading mascot, battle of the cheerleaders and rabid fans? How sad.

Today was wonderful though I didn't get nearly as much as I needed to accomplished. Church was really powerful - it was talking about hurt in love and God's healing in that.

Tonight was Ashton Cup which was highly enjoyable. The 6th West men were able to pull it off and grab 1st! I was so excited for them! They did "Annie" and Ben won the crowd with his red hair and hilarious acting. I have to admit I missed being a part of it this year - but it was relaxing to just watch the show and not worry about the stress of performing.

Bekah and I went to Compline tonight (hence the picture). It's such a beautiful service. It's held at St. Marks Catherdral in Capitol Hill. The monks come and sing/chant. It's so soothing and wraps up my stressful week. I could pray and talk to God with their rhytmic and graceful voices. I could let go of tensions from this past week and the week to come listening to their voices praising our Creator. Even if only for a half an hour - my mind and heart were at peace.

Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and pretend it's all just a dream when Monday arrives. Sunday is the last gulp of air I get before I dive into Monday thru Friday. It's getting exhausting. I need to find my refuge and draw my strength from the Lord.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." --Matthew 11:28-30

Day Three

I chopped 4 1/2 inches off of my hair today.

I think I am learning the lesson to let go of things. I put too much value in what I have and cling to it. I'm not as spontaneous as I would like to think. I like my routine, and I don't like when that routine is disrupted.

Lucky for me, hair grows back, and I think I like this cut.

These flowers were beautiful and fragrent and now they take on a new beauty. They are brittle and dead but memories of what they were.

I'm learning to let go of the control I desperately want.

It's hard. And I'm frustrated more than I'm not.

And I'm tired so thank goodness it is the weekend because winter quarter is dragging on and on and on....

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. --John 14:1

Day Two

Today was a hard day.

I let my frustrations and anger get the best of me.

Lent is a time of darkness, a time of struggle, and waiting. In this waiting period I cling to the small candle of my Savior. The flickering light darkness cannot put out. This image gives me hope. It's a small light amidst the dark shadows of my foul mood. My frustrations.

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light. -2 Samuel 22:29

From dust you came, and to dust you will depart

Starting this first day of the journey of Lent.
I have decided that I'm going to try and take a picture for each day of Lent that represents where I'm at and how my journey is going. Today's picture focuses on the two disciplines I hope to practice more diligintly for these next 40 days: prayer and time in scripture. The writing is Psalm 51 which was read during the Ash Wednesday service today and I found it comforting and beautiful. I want to grow closer and stronger in my relationship after these wanderings. I have also decided that in the fasting part of Lent I am going to try and cut out the excess gluttony I have in my daily routine that separates me from God, whether that be the internet, TV, food, etc. I will try and cut back.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. --Colossians 3:12-17

I jumped in puddles with Bekah tonight...my pants were soaking wet and it felt wonderful.

But now, I have much work to do. Why can't it be the weekend yet?

yummm

The weekend flew by much too fast - and I took the time to get absolutely nothing accomplished.

I went and watched the gymnastics meet on Friday. I love them - and I am beginning to learn the lingo and understand all the technicalities that go into it all. I love watching the girls defy gravity - fly through the air and make it look so easy. I'm sad there are so few home meets.

After Bekah, Talia and I worked out on Saturday we decided we wanted Bekah to teach us some gymnastics moves. Starting with the challenging cartwheel. Moving on the to roundoff and even attempting a handstand. While Talia and I are attentive pupils I'm thinking we have no career in gymnastics. Though it was fun to collaspe in a heap of giggles at how ridiculous we looked. I can barely walk today though.

Josh was making applebutter all weekend and I have decided that baking apples is one of my favorite smells. We left our door open to the sweet aroma filled out apartment.

Superbowl Sunday was spent at Kellen's tiny apartment which was a blast. Bekah made a football cake and a chocolate cake which we decorated to look like a football field equipped with goalposts and little gummy bear players. The commercials weren't super impressive though some of my favorites included:
--the training of "Hank" the clydsdale
--and where the balloons fight for the coke bottle
ahh good ol' American tradition.